He's gone
by xXHeartUnderFireXx
Summary: "When the wind starts blowing, I look at the dark blue sky above me. And I smile. It doesn't matter if it was reality or fiction, for me it was the last goodbye kiss we both deserved. My heart starts bumping so hard on my chest. I'm alive again" . This is an AU two-shot story which takes place after 3x16.
1. The last night

Hello guys!This is my first ever written story. Excuse my eventually grammar/spelling mistakes. I really hope you enjoy it.

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He's gone

I enter my room. Without opening the lights, I go straight to the closet. I start to search the one thing that used to make me feel safe when he was around and after a couple of minutes, the grey shirt appears in front of me.I can still feel the soft smell of his warm body. Temptation makes me want to put it on, but the cruel truth I must face tells me otherwise.

He's no longer my Toby, the sweet and caring boy I fell in love with when everybody else considered him a murderer. In fact, he's the murderer of my heart. He's the monster that makes mine and my best friends' life a misery. How could a smart girl like me be so blind? I didn't tell him that there was still someone blackmailing me even after Mona was sent to Radley. I wanted to protect him, but in fact I was the one that needed protection.

When I think about all those times he told me he loved me and about the promises he made, my heart falls to pieces. Our love was a lie, because if he really cared about me, he would never hurt me like that. It's true that at first, I thought that he might had killed Ali, but later, when I decided to help him with school, I found out what was hidden inside of him. It's also true that my friends and I are guilty for hurting Jenna, but she's not blind anymore. And we've changed. I've changed. Then, why has Toby joined the A team? Why does he want revenge?

With tears falling from my eyes and trembling hands, I take the scissors from my drawer. I start to destroy the shirt, thinking that the memory of him would fade away. The sound of my phone wakes me up from my agony. I take it in my left hand, holding the scissors tight in the right one. Unblocking my phone, I expect it's another message from A. This time would be different, though. The fear disappears when I see Hanna's name on the screen.

'_How was the dinner? Did he like the heels? We're dying of curiosity here.I hope you at least had some fun tonight.'_

'_The dinner was great. He had no idea I was planning it. What happened to you girls? Did you manage to reach Aria?' _I reply like they've expected me to. I'm not ready to tell them that our enemy was, in fact, my boyfriend.

'_Meredith happened. Emily and I ended up locked up in the basement with a drugged Aria. Everything's fine now, but Meredith's gone.'_

'_I'm really sorry I wasn't there with you. I'm glad you're all ok.' _With that, I turn off my phone. I have abandoned my friends to spend the night with the devil. Smart move, Spencer!

I take the ripped shirt and I throw it on the window. I let the cold air hit my red eyes. As I watch the moon illuminate the sky, the image of his big blue eyes, staring blankly at me, when I found him dressed in his black hoodie, searching for the key he had dropped earlier, shows up in my mind. When I slapped his face, he didn't look hurt; he looked like I've just taken his mask off. In that moment, I saw no hint of the Toby I used to know. The Toby I used to love and I still do. But I'm in love with a lie.

I close the window and I break down on my bed. The bed in which we've once made love, the bed in which the devil and the angel have become one. I can still feel his presence here, even if the dark is the only one keeping me company. The only difference is that the angel has lost her wings.

As I sob in silence, I hear someone opening the room.I raise my weak head and I see my mother. She is keeping her head down and I feel that something even worse has happened. She approaches me and puts a cold hand on my cheek.

"I'm so sorry, I've found you crying in the kitchen, I thought that you and Toby had broken up, but when I opened the TV, I found out what had really happened." She tells me_._

I look at her and I see teardrops forming in the corners of her eyes. I've never seen her as sad as she is now. She's the strongest woman I know. I feel that something terrible has happened, something even more tragic than my discovery.

"What happened_? _"I ask her with my shaking voice.

"Oh my God! You haven't found out, have you_?"_ She hugs me tight, while I try not to break out in tears. I feel like a hole starts forming in my chest. I'm not ready for another tragedy."

"Is Melissa ok?"I ask with hope that nothing bad has happened to my older sister.

"Yes, she's fine, but Toby..."

"Toby what, mom? He's not…hurt, right? I cut her words.

In this moment, words are not necessary. The way she looks at me gives me the answer to the question I don't have the strength to put. She's no longer talking to her daughter; she's talking to a ghost.

"He's gone."

My heart stops when she says the word "gone". I look into her eyes with hope that I haven't heard right, that he's somewhere in a hospital and he's going to be ok.

"I'm sorry; Spencer, but he had an accident. He died instantly. If there is something I can do for you..."She says.

"Just…live me alone."

I shut the door behind her and I let myself fall on the ground. I wish I could turn back in time, so I could hear his voice one more time, telling me that everything's going to be ok.I wish I could kiss him one last time and forget about the world around us. I wish he was here with me, holding me in his strong arms. But the cruel destiny has taken him away from me. Toby isn't the only one that lost the battle with death tonight. I lost it too.

"I love you, Toby." I whisper in silence, knowing that his soul hasn't left me.I know he can hear me.I feel his presence more real than I've ever felt it.

"See you soon." I whisper as if he was here, standing right in front of me and giving me his reassuring smile.

And when the window suddenly opens and lets the cold air of the night fill my room, I know that someday, somewhere I'll see him again.

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Thank you for spending your time reading my story.

xoxo,

C.


	2. It's time to let go

Hello guys! I really can't believe I wrote another chapter for this story. It was really painful for me to write it, but I'm really proud of my work. As I forgot to mention on the first chapter, Lana's beautiful song, "Dark paradise" was an inspiration for this story. I should also remind you that this story takes place after 3x16 and after that episode it doesn't follow the show's storyline at all. It is basically an AU story.

Well, no more boring details. I really hope you'll like this. And don't be mad at me for killing Toby, be mad at my muse. Please fill that empty box below with a review. Your opinion is a gift for me. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer**:I do not own_ The Pretty Little Liars_.

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Spencer's POV

12 days, 288 hours, 17280 minutes: the amount of time that passed since I last saw him. Everything's changed. Except for myself.

10 days, 240 hours, 14400 minutes: the amount of time that passed since the funeral. And I'm still here, in front of his grave._ Toby Cavanaugh, beloved son and friend_. I still feel that I'm sitting in front of a random grave I used to stop at on my way to Ali's grave. _Beloved son and friend_: _how pathetic, not a metaphor, not a poetical meaning_, I would say if it was just a stranger's grave. But it's **his** grave. And I am the one that chose the words. No metaphor. No hidden significance. Because this is how my Toby is: simple and beautiful_. Was,_ other interior voice tells me hauntingly. My mind knows that, but it is my broken heart that keeps on denying this terrible truth.

"I'm so sorry, if I can help you somehow..."

"No, you can't", this is my standard reply to all these people that I don't know (or maybe I don't want to know anymore) that are trying to comfort me. Of course, I don't mean my friends and family. They all left me alone, like I had requested. And I know I should let them help me, talk to me, distract me from the immense grief I feel. But I can't. As they say sometimes, pain is necessary. What I feel now is the proof that I lived the most beautiful and dangerously entangled love story.

I know that he loved me. I've realised that he betrayed me so he could protect me. And I feel guilty for his death. If I hadn't discovered him that night, in my kitchen, he'd have been alive now and I'd be sitting in front of an empty side of the cemetery.

I couldn't deal with living in my house anymore, that cursed place where I found out that the love of my life will never hold me, kiss me and make me forget about the world around me anymore. And that's why I moved in a new place. You'd think I'm being masochistic by moving into his loft, but it makes me feel close to him. And sometimes, while I drink my coffee, I even catch myself imagining him coming home from work and hugging me tight in his arms. And sometimes, I fall sleep in his T-shirts that apparently still carry a well-known smell of wood. But when I wake up, the soft smell is gone, just like the blue-eyed man in my every night dreams. And now, the reality is worse than any possible nightmare. But for him, I'll be strong. His memory is the only one that stops me from taking my whole bottle of sleeping pills. I'll try to live again, at least physically.

The moon is so beautiful tonight. I remember that when we were apart, we used to talk on the phone, while looking at the moon. It made us feel closer to each other. And maybe he's looking at the moon too, this night. And maybe he wonders how I am. I wish I could tell him: _I'm broken, but I'm going to be ok._

I'm starting to shake with cold. I know I should've taken a cardigan with me. Maybe it would be a good idea to go home. To our home. I'll light up some candles, maybe I'll even eat something from my always full refrigerator, only because I look like an anorexic model, not because I'm hungry. And maybe I'll even start to read a book, one of his favourites, "Catcher in the Rye". I'll try to be Spencer tonight, not the ghost of a lost woman. He'd want me to be myself again. That would make him happy. I know that.

"Don't want to repeat myself, but I'll see you again. I promise", I whisper in the darkness of the night, as if he could truly hear me. I wish he could.

Then I turn my back to leave, but I suddenly feel a soft touch on my burning cheek. And for the first time since the day when everything's changed, I can feel him here. I close my eyes to get lost in this unique and wonderful moment. I feel a touch on my pale lips, too and I can swear that he's kissing me. I start to kiss him back with such intense lust and passion. A few tears escape from my closed eyes. I feel so powerful and happy. The kiss feels so real that I'm afraid that when I'll open my eyes this bittersweet fantasy will be gone. I feel happy and complete again, captive in his touch. I no longer feel a hole in my chest that grows wider as the days pass. But the moment doesn't last forever. I feel him drawing away from me and I open my eyes. Was it real or was it just my imagination?

When the wind starts blowing, I look at the dark blue sky above me. And I smile. It doesn't matter if it was reality or fiction, for me it was the last goodbye kiss we both deserved. My heart starts bumping so hard on my chest. I'm alive again.

Toby's POV

I wish there was a way I could let her now that I'm still here, around her, watching as she sobs in the silence of the cemetery. I would do anything to hold her hand and tell her that everything's going to be ok, but I can't. How in the world I could have been that stupid to ignore the red light? How could I have drunk half a bottle of Jack Daniels and got in the car? How could I have let this beautiful angel with chocolate brown eyes suffer so much? How?

How is she supposed to live now? I not only betrayed her, but I got myself killed. And the only thing I can do now is hope that she is strong enough to not let the pain drink all the life from her soul. I know that she's a fighter, but I also know that she has a sensitive soul, who is easily to hurt.

It's actually kind of funny; Spencer and I never believed that a person who dies is capable of spending some time on Earth, after his death. She even described this as a "cheesy romantic movie moment". And I used to laugh along, thinking that the day of leaving the love of my life would never come. How wrong I was!

And now I should go. I don't know where, though and I don't even want to. I haven't seen any light yet, as I'm probably suppose to. I guess I'm not ready to go. To be honest, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of this afterlife watching her, being her guardian angel. That would be enough for me.

However, there will come a day when she'll no longer dream of me, sleep in my apartment or spent her days planting flowers, lighting candles and crying at my grave. She'll find happiness again; she'll go to college and have a successful career. She'll get married with a man that will love her and cherish her as she deserves. A man that won't make her suffer like I did. And when I'll see her beautiful smile again, I'll know that I'm ready. And I'll follow the light, while I'll be picturing her face. And for a second, I'll feel alive.

I watch her as she looks captivated at the moon on the starry sky. In the pale light of the moon, her face, as tired and full of sadness as it is, represents for me the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I will never forget how we used to talk on the phone when I wasn't near her and talk about small and simple things while looking at the moon. I miss that. God, I miss everything!

But for now, all I can do is come closer to her as she turns to leave. I put my hand on her pale face with a trembling hand and I feel her shiver under my touch. Is she really feeling me? How is that possible? She's probably just cold. But I see her closing her eyes, as if she wants to get lost in the moment. And then I kiss her tempting lips and I close my eyes too. She's kissing me back. We're no longer two souls now, but one. A ghost and an angel. It seems impossible, but it feels so real that it hurts. And I wish this moment will last forever, but I suddenly open my eyes, led by an unknown force. I see a blinding light that's growing more and more wider. I take a deep breath and I turn my face to watch her for the last time. Now I'm ready.

"I'll wait for you, my angel".


End file.
